Travel Insiders: a look in the crystal ball to predict the holiday news for 2017 (allegedly)
JANUARY
On a trade mission to Scotland, Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson accidentally sends Nicola Sturgeon flying with his broom during an impromptu game of curling. In retaliation, the First Minister declares Scotland independent. Spotting a business opportunity, PM Theresa May privatises the border, charging tourists £75 a time to cross. £1 = €1.02
FEBRUARY
Virgin Galactic launches its first holiday to Mars . Sadly, a hyperdrive satnav error means the passengers spend eight months in a contraflow on the M6 in Cheshire. £1 = €0.91MARCH
On a state visit to China, Deputy Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson accidentally smashes the President in the eye in an impromptu game of wiff-waff. Ten million Chinese tourists are immediately recalled from Bicester shopping village , plunging the UK economy into crisis. £1 = €0.67
APRIL
A very expensively researched survey from a travel PR firm exclusively reveals that 100 per cent of British holidaymakers like the idea of going to sunny, warm places abroad when the weather here is cold and rainy. £1 = €0.44
MAY
On a visit to the USA to tell President Trump that Britain will put his portrait on the new polymer £500 note in return for $1million and a pair of Super Bowl tickets, Assistant Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson accidentally dislodges The Donald’s hair in an impromptu game of baseball. The geographically-challenged President retaliates by ruling that all holidaymakers from Bhutan will need a $500 visa to visit the US. £1 = €0.32
JUNE
A year after the Brexit vote, sterling has slumped so badly against the euro it is now quoted in commodities, not currency. £1 = 7 Sour Cream PringlesJULY
The world’s largest cruise ship is launched. Passengers simply board at the stern in Southampton, walk the length of the ship, and alight at the bow in New York. After his new album sells 118 copies, X Factor winner Matt Terry provides the entertainment on board. £1 = half a dishwasher tabletAUGUST
On holiday in Spain, Apprentice Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson accidentally knees the Prime Minister in the cojones during an impromptu bullfight. All Brits in Spain are expelled in retaliation. Sangria and sombrero industry collapses. £1 = 5 Haribo Gummy Bears
SEPTEMBER
UK airlines increase hold luggage allowance to 50kg per person so Brexit-battered Brits can carry extra bundles of worthless tenners to exchange on holiday. £1 = 3 used coffee stirrers from Pret a MangerOCTOBER
In a shameless bid to attract British tourists, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un renames his country Staycation. £1 = that discarded slice of gherkin from a Big Mac
NOVEMBER
Virgin Galactic reaches escape velocity from the contraflow on the M6 in Cheshire. Sadly, another hyperdrive satnav error means passengers spend four months circling the Mars factory in Slough. £1 = a plastic bag in LidlDECEMBER
On a Crashing Bore-ealis trip to Lapland , Foreign Office intern Boris Johnson accidentally flattens six elves during an impromptu sledge race. Santa immediately refuses to visit Britain at Christmas and gives BoJo the sack. £1 = 3gms of belly button fluffHappy holidays! Roll on 2018...
沒有留言